Guilt.

It pulled at her stomach as his fingers laced between hers. But as he drew her close to him and kissed her, it subsided slightly. Why was guilt bothering her. She had not loved Kaleb. Save for one brief moment when Grace was born, she never thought she could love him. She did not owe Kaleb anything. She was his possession, something he owned, purchased, paid for. But a book or a tea pot felt no loyalty to the person who found them in a shop and brought them home. Why should she feel anything of the like for Kaleb? That's all she was to him. A pretty object to be placed on a shelf and used at his whim.

Sioni was not the same way. Even when he did not say anything and just looked at her, he did not need to tell her she was everything he wanted. He just had to look at her. It was why avoiding him was necessary. Because standing so close to him, she wanted to cease to exist if she couldn't have him. "I do know,” She responded, taking a step back from him, her hand finding his. "But we can't do this here." They had not made it far enough down the hall to talk like this. Grace's voice had stopped which either meant she was listening or asleep, and Esperanza did not want to risk the former.

She should have taken him downstairs for beer. She'd have had wine. They could have talked at the table and not risked anything, but rather than turning for the stairs, she pulled him into the room she shared with Kaleb. She closed the door behind him, but did not turn to face him. She wanted to, but she found herself in capable of moving. So she spoke while she still faced the white wood. "Grace repeats everything she hears, and she can't repeat this."

"I cannot…. I can't do this anymore." The previous times she had insisted they could not do this, she had meant being together. From the beginning of their relationship she knew they had to stop. She told him so, over and over. but they always ended up here. Always. It was obsessive and it was destroying her. Today her instance that she could not was for the opposite reason. She couldn't stay away from him. And, right now at least, she did not want to. "I can't pretend you don't exist and I can't ignore you or fight you anymore. It is killing me."

She turned to face him finally, reaching again for his hand, then sliding her arms around him. "I can't leave Kaleb, but I can't give you up either." It was selfish of her, but true. "I tried. I did. But the moment I saw you…." The moment she saw him, she knew that this was how it was going to end. She didn't know why either one of them had pretended for a moment it might not. That was not true He pretended because he loved her, and she continued to insist she wanted to pretend.

She was done pretending. So instead she kissed him.

“Come to bed,” Said Esperanza quietly.